But then the good news hits that no one's going to jail.
Tom begins the episode swiping prisons like some kind of penitentiary Tinder. They shake without washing hands, of course, because it's a dirty business. Unbelievably, Roman actually turns out to be the right man for the job, at least when the job is cutting a deal between wealthy weirdos. As played by Alexander Skarsgard, the Odin of coding may only be interested in three P's, but a different pee seals the deal when he unleashes a stream of his own on WayStar's streaming service. Wow, Lucas Mattson gets right into it, doesn't he? The oddball tech CEO behind streaming platform GoJo is the target for Roman and Shiv infiltrating their brother's birthday, despite what Logan thinks of Mattson (talk about the pot calling the kettle a prick). Kendall, Shiv and Roman: Their presence is his present. What a problem to have, eh? As much as it's possible to be sympathetic toward Kendall as the offspring of a monster and a toxic environment, he's still a dick with the obliviousness of wealth (paying actors to be nice to everyone and sending Comfrey for A-team lunch boxes, Springsteen and a jetpack). It's hard to know which would be considered the bigger slap in the face to a superrich person: an insultingly low offer, or being offered enough to make you a double billionaire. But he still looms large, ruining Kendall's birthday with just five words scrawled in a tacky greeting card. Logan, meanwhile, is hardly in this episode. The vaginal entrance, the tree house, his crushing disappointment that a handmade gift from his kids is lost while his girlfriend couldn't think of anything more personal than a watch: He's telling the world he's just a child, yearning for some love. The entire party, in fact, is the ultimate example of showing what he's feeling but trying to pass it off as irony. It's another example of his annoying habit of saying what he really feels then claiming irony (see also the cruel moment with Greg).
Except he plans to follow up by being hoisted up on a crucifix to hammer home what a great and unjustly persecuted guy he is. Instead, he plans to croon Honesty by Billy Joel ("Everyone is so untrue / Honesty is hardly ever heard"), which is actually kind of a vulnerable and genuine sentiment. The episode opens with Kendall on the mic, but if you were hoping for a reprise of L to the OG, then you'll be sorely disappointed. It shouldn't feel like an asshole's birthday party
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